A Paved Paradise
Drop by if you’re in the neighbourhood, and I’ll extol the virtues of a gas station parking lot. To fully appreciate my rating system, you must have some experience with a motorcycle, specifically breaking down on one. I’ve seen you push your bike along the road that final stretch, uncomfortable with the thought of leaving it behind while you curse your miscalculations. Hunched over and humbled, your tired muscles motivated by the fact that an empty tank is the only thing wrong with your ride, this time. A gas station for a breakdown is where it’s at, but to obtain the status of an ideal gas station, this base requirement is necessary: it must provide fuel. Anything after that is gravy.
So, let’s get into the gravy.
Hopefully, you’ve arrived at a gas station after pushing the bike a short distance and not uphill. The next requirement for an ideal breakdown location is the offering of a safe space. A good station provides a proper buffer from the rush of highway traffic and makes you feel at ease with life in the slow lane. Take a minute to relax here, but don’t drop your guard. Visitors to the ideal gas station are lacking sleep, or amped up from a traffic altercation: they’re hungry for a discount hotdog, and have been squirming in their seat since the last bathroom break. Driven here by nagging kids, they’re done answering ‘are we there yet,’ and have threatened the ultimate dealbreaker, ‘If you say another word, I’ll pull this car over and make you walk.’
The sole focus of this driver is to regain sanity by escaping their rolling prison as soon as possible. They likely won’t be paying attention to you or your beautiful motorcycle as they park their attempt. While this location beats the side of the highway for safety reasons, it’s always good to choose your workstation away from the action of the pumps. You’ve already pushed your bike this far, what’s another 100 meters?
If possible, tuck yourself into a private oasis off to the side, where bits of fresh garbage mingle among discarded lottery dreams, chewed up smokes, and odds and ends of plastic depicting transient lifestyle choices. It might not be the most appealing of sights and smells, but your chances of becoming roadkill will decrease as you increase your distance from traffic. Another benefit of an ideal gas station will reveal itself if you’ve chosen your secret location wisely: you’ll be blessed with less foot traffic.
The curious bystander, the Mr. Fix-it, the diesel mechanic, and the lone ranger may be distracted by the bright lights and action of the store, and therefore show less interest in commenting on your predicament. If you’re far from the action, those few extra paces off the beaten path may prevent them from crossing the threshold into the helpful zone. If they do approach, answer the obligatory questions; confirm the manufacturing year, ‘yes, it’s a shaft-driven bike’, ‘no, it’s not the battery’, ‘yes, they’re usually reliable ’, and nod in understanding when they conclude their inspection with, ‘I really don’t know anything about these bikes.’
Isolated from the crowd, the patch of grass bordering the gas station parking lot is a hot spot for curious dogs determined to sniff about your business. The company of canines is an acceptable interference to your task at hand. A friendly interaction with a pet can recharge your battery and provide emotional support to keep you motivated. The modern dog knows nothing of vintage bikes, so you’re in the clear for comments on your progress.
Shelter from the elements is another bonus of the ideal gas station. On a perfectly sunny day, you can discard layers of gear, drop under your bike, and get down to work. If the sun is overpowering your tolerance, look around for trees, and if none are available, position your bike as a sundial to achieve a sliver of time in the shade. A breakdown won’t typically occur in ideal weather, so scan the area for an outbuilding, which may be part of the fine establishment you’ve dragged yourself to. The excessively clean cavity of a drive-thru car wash comes to mind, and if you must get close, snug up to any building with an awning. Shelter isn’t always a guarantee, so if you’ve left your rain gear at home, the ideal gas station will be stocked with affordable plastic garbage bags. Proceed with caution: Dressed this way may attract more attention than you want. To combat the cold, most locations offer an automatic hand dryer in the washroom, providing blasts of heat to help restore your body temperature. Another effective method to push heat into your extremities can be obtained by pacing back and forth while glaring at your bike.
When you’re all warmed up and knuckle deep in head scratching, it’s likely there isn’t an on-site motorcycle mechanic to help: they’re probably out fixing a broken down bike at another location. The ideal gas station will offer one more important feature: cell reception.
If symptoms persist after chasing wires and troubleshooting, call a bike doctor or look up a video. Not only will it reduce your breakdown time, but it can also provide company when you feel like giving up. If it’s something simple you’ve overlooked, don’t get down on yourself, allow someone to laugh at your expense, and share the burden of your dilemma. Cell reception will come in handy when you’re supposed to be somewhere other than stuck at an ideal gas station for hours on end. To avoid warranting a search party, give your final destination a call and confidently disguise your frustration with a reassuring tone that things are absolutely under control.
